Sad Day for Pop Culture

I just have to say good-bye to Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett.

I am part of the generation that has never known a world without Michael and Farrah. I know that sounds a little extreme but playing "Charlie's Angels" and singing to the Jackson 5 and Michael were big parts of my childhood and school dances.

Good-night Angel.

Happy Father's Day

This is my first Father's Day without my father.

I have wished him Happy Father's Day in Heaven three times so far, but it's just not the same. I know he can hear me but I just can't hear him.

I am so sad.

My best friend called a few minutes ago to make sure I was alright. I guess I am. Life does go on. But it's not the same and it's not as good.

I miss my Dad so much. I have so many things I need to talk about but he was the only one who could talk to me like I needed. Rational, practical and full of common sense, but not impersonal or non-caring. Validating my feelings but not letting them take charge or lead me to a wrong decision.

My father is in no pain now. I am glad of that. It was so hard to watch. It's just mean that in order for him to achieve that, he had to leave us. He worked so hard for so long to be healthy, to be ready for whatever was in store for him. But in the end the family genes laughed in his face and said "You are no match for us. We are stronger than you."

My Dad was funny, smart, caring, practical and one of my very best friends. He loved me no matter what.

I miss him so much.

Back to the Snow...

We have returned. Back to the ice and snow and cold and wind. No more desert, palm trees, pacific ocean, and shoes without socks. We had an amazing time.

I did not keep a journal, although the emails to home could suffice. We went to LA and saw the sights: Beverly Hills, Santa Monica Blvd, Rodeo Drive, Sunset Blvd, Hollywood and Vine, The Grove, the freeway, the Hollywood Sign and all the things I've seen on TV and wanted to see my whole life.

Very crowded. Too much traffic. How small town am I?

The drives through the deserts were amazing. Nothing like I imagined. Giant windmill farms up close.

Phoenix, Scottsdale, Paradise Valley, Tempe, Chandler were all wonderful. I could definitely live in the desert year round. Except for no ocean - that would be a problem.

Grand Canyon, Prescott, Sedona, the mountains - stunning works of nature. Overwhelming works of God's hand.

Huntington Beach, just outside of LA. Just what I thought it would be. There I could live. The ocean and sun. Together all the time. Perfection. I had my picture taken with a "real live California surfer dude (Mike)". Good guy.

At the beach, I felt strangely calm. I realized it was fulfillment. Obviously, since it took so long to figure out this particular feeling, I must not feel it too often :) Being in California. A life-long dream come true. True inner satisfaction.

I learned things:

I am not surprised at what God can do. I was speechless at the beauty of Sedona. Positively stunning. And what can you say about the Grand Canyon. But, strangely, I wasn't surprised. It's like I expect greatness from Him.

I am surprised at the tenacity of man. The DESIRE to get from one place to another. Across deserts, through or around mountain tops, canyons, water, forests - nothing stands in man's way if man wants to get from Point A to Point B. How did people find the Grand Canyon and Sedona in the first place?

I live in Canada. It's a big country. We have a national railroad and three coastlines - I know about getting from Point A to Point B. But aside from the Rockies, my country's train and road trips have revealed the space, the vastness and distance.

Man is determined. Scary thought.

On a dreadfully sad note. My cousin Cherie died while I was away. I lit a candle for her in the Chapel of the Holy Cross in the red rocks of Sedona on Wednesday and she died early Friday morning. She is one of my favourite people ever.

One other thing I learned and I think it's a sign that I'm growing up. In and Out Burger, Carl's Junior, Chilis, Steinmart, Ross, TJ Maxx, etc., etc. They are just stores. Just because they are not here, doesn't make them better. They are fun, but they are just stores. This is important for me to learn and remember.

Suck It Up

I'm trying to be better. I'm trying to "suck it up" and not whine and be grateful and accept people for who they are. "Be the change I want to see".

On that note...

I have gone to the bank and exchanged money into $US (tears flowing down my cheeks, the rates are soooo bad. Why didn't we buy $US in the summer when our $$ was better???).

Holiday haircuts for me and teenager this afternoon.

Missy's (the ferret) holiday arrangements are finalized.

Practically all meals planned from now until Wednesday to minimize excess grocery shopping and to eat what is currently in the freezer.

Teenager is doing an exceptional job on getting her school work done early and after this weekend will be completely under control. What would I do without her?

Husband has a new plan to try and minimize his snoring which is greatly appreciated.

Ginormous favour asked and accepted by darling friend to look after our house and pick up mail while we are gone. That is a great weight off my shoulders and now I can leave everything in peace. I must find the perfect thank-you gift on our travels.

A lot of the yucky stuff is getting done and soon we'll have to pack and get the carry-ons ready and that is the fun stuff. Even doing laundry in preparation of packing clean clothes is fun.

I just hope lack of plan doesn't result in missing something that someone really wants to do. Have faith. I don't mind being spontaneous - I just really like the anticipation and planning. To me that's part of the fun.

The Annual Corned Beef and Cabbage is tomorrow night. Can't wait. I have been looking forward to it since last year. My plan (ha ha) is the same as last year. One good helping of corned beef, seconds of course. I may have the obligatory veggie or two to make the plate look balanced. And then, more CB for dessert.

TGIF!

Just a Little

Ok. I'm a little stressed. We don't travel very often. I haven't been on a plane in 5 years. Most of my trips are short road trips over the border and back to shop. Or over to the island for a few days. This 12 day adventure is a bit daunting. I feel like I'm doing all the prep work myself. That's because I am.

I am trying to make sure all the assignments, tests and project are completed and passed in before we leave, so there won't be any scary surprises upon our return. To her credit, my girl is on top of things. She knows I'm worried, so she's doing her very best at school; staying in at recess and lunch for extra help, working hard day and night. She's a good girl.

I'm trying to get the house ready, plan our packing, find someone to do the airport runs, look after the house and ferret, etc. etc. These things don't just happen on their own you know.

But the other grownup isn't really helping. Not with the practicalities or with the anticipation. I like being excited and talking about it and planning. He doesn't. He is at work until we go. At night, it's like it isn't even happening. A little depressing and not very fun at all. And I feel like we are going to land in California and then what?? After our reserved lunch at American Girl, that's it. No thoughts. We have so little time to fulfill life-long dreams I don't have any minutes to spare thinking about it in an LA parking lot.

Relax. Don't worry about it. That's what I'll have to do and what I will do, but that's no fun for me. Doing it his way is alright for him. I'm a caver. I like to talk about it and make plans and read up and have a plan of attack. I'm not talking about every minute. Just a rough idea so we don't get to the end of the trip wishing we did something but didn't have time or couldn't get there because you needed to plan in advance. I don't want anyone disappointed (yes, me too) because no one bothered to put the effort in. In this economy, spending this much money deserves a lot of effort!

So I'll put in my effort, by myself.

And tomorrow I have to go (with my sister) to visit my Mom about post-Dad stuff. Always a good time.

The Month That We're In!

I can't believe it's finally March 2009. That means that our long-awaited trip to California and Arizona will take place in the month that we're in. No more sleeps. Well, we aren't going until next week, but I need those sleeps to get ready :)

My whole life I have wanted to go to Los Angeles and now I finally am because it's less expensive to fly to and from there, rather than via Phoenix (our final destination). Lunch at the American Girl Doll store and a tour of all the hot spots is all that we have time for, but I'll take what we can get. A night at Huntington Beach for work but that will be fun too!

Then off to Az. To the Grand Canyon, Phoenix, Tuscon, Mexico (just a hop over the border and back) and all the real, authentic mexican food we can find. My teenage girl is so excited to eat at all the chains she hears about. And the shopping. And the SUN and NO SNOW and the SUN!!!

The next week or so I'll be in a bit of a panic, but I love that five day forecast - all sun, maybe a cloud. Can't wait!

Mirror, mirror, on the wall.

Kids are like a mirror. The kind of mirror that slaps you in the face after it offers your reflection.

I have a quick tongue and a sarcastic wit. I think fast and I talk fast. Too fast. Generally I just think people should keep up with me and not be so sensitive. People should embrace themselves and be who they are. Those on the receiving end should appreciate the honestly and lack of pussy-footing and get on with things. Except, of course, when I need to be sensitive.

I know, I know...do not let anything evil, or whatever, come out of you mouth. Use words to build others up not tear them down (I've been looking for that verse). At the very least, do unto others...and you get more flies with honey...

Sigh.

But when you have a conversation/dressing down with your teenager about her needing to consider others' feelings first, and being kind to others, even when they make you frustrated, etc. and then you find out that you were rude to someone and you didn't even notice because you are like that all the time AND YOUR KID NOTICED - well, can I dig myself a hole and hide :(

I am so ashamed. That my child, the one I am supposed to be "training up" saw me be a bitch. The mere fact that I was a bitch. The fact that I am a bitch. Even if I'm not a bitch all the time but even just one time (although I know it's more than once). Oh dear God, I am so ashamed.

I've been practically paralyzed with shame all day.

I will try and use this as a final catalyst for change. I don't want to be seen like that. Especially be seen like that by my teenage daughter. I don't want to be like that. I really need to use this opportunity to re-direct my words.

But right now I am just so ashamed.

My father would be so ashamed and disappointed in me. I am ashamed and disappointed in me.

Shame, shame, double shame.

My father died Sunday morning, November 16th, 2008.

A long time away.

I've been away a long time.

My father was very unexpectedly ill in May - ultra-serious heart problems. Not quite healed, never will be, but much better. After almost six weeks of him in the hospital and his move back to the house, I got very sick with pneumonia and UTI (stress?) and then very sick with complications from the medications. Once that was finally over, we had our first ever and super-successful family reunion.

Now, it's all done and we're sort of back to normal. Once all the laundry is done :). Labour Day this long weekend and back to school the following Wednesday. I cannot believe she is starting grade nine. She is halfway through her braces and got contacts a few weeks ago. Turned 14. No more a "baby teenager".

I've kept up with reading my blogs. Just reading them has really helped with my personal chaos. The routine, the normalcy.

Hopefully once school is in, I will blog more frequently and more regularly. I'd like that for myself.

Summer is fading away.

I Love April

Four robins in the last week.

Feeling heat from the sun, not just enjoying the yellow.

Talky, chatty, singing, noisy birds.

Lost treasures found now that the snow has melted.

The snow is all gone.

If it snows again, which it probably will, it will go fast.

Crocuses...purple and yellow and white.

Spring jackets and crocs.

Wearing a sweatshirt and sneakers to school.

BBQ in the air.

Bikes on the lawn, driveway chalk and roller blades.

Washing the car - too bad it's not mine :)

April is the month with all of spring and summer ahead of it.

April is hope and beauty and newness and freshness.

Waking up with the sun and having daylight late after supper.

Sigh. I love April.

I gave up the internet for Lent.

This past Shrove Tuesday I was trying to think of something to give up for Lent. Chocolate and candy and junk are the old stand-bys, but I wanted to do something different. Last year I gave up making excuses for not exercising and just do it and that went very well. I also committed to praying while I walked, instead of listening to my Ipod, and there were some good conversations.

In the end, I decided to give up the internet. In fact, at the last moment, I decided to give it up. So last minute, in fact, that I couldn't even write a post about it.

No computer, except for emailing and banking and help with schoolwork - I didn't think I could notify the school, bank and emailers in time, nor would they care about my sacrifice.

It was a long 40 days. I had no idea how much time I spent in front of this screen...mostly just reading and surfing. It was automatic to go to it many times a day.

I missed the bloggers terribly and often wondered what was happening in their lives. Especially since I knew about upcoming events, ie: BooMama's trip, baby Avery and Easter. I thought about the bloggers a lot, knowing their lives were going on and I wasn't "in" on anything.

I learned I use the internet a lot for general information and fact-finding. Topics originating from conversations, TV shows, magazines and general news. Wikipedia is great and was sorely missed. For me, the computer has thoroughly replaced the phone book/yellow pages, watching weather forecasts, dictionary/thesauras books, encylopedias and any other type of resource material. It's my first stop to find anything.

At the same time, I also gave up watching daytime TV - even Oprah and Dr. Phil. Let me clarify, I have the TV on for company, I truly do, an old habit picked up from my Grandmother. So I tried to listen to the radio, which is a lot more local with information, and CDs or just quiet. The no daytime TV wasn't a part of lent, but it seemed to fit in with reducing the electronic bombardment.

So, what happened to me, aside from realizing my addiction to this very small screen?

I wish I could say that my life changed forever, in wonderful ways, but it didn't really. I read a lot more books which really isn't a good thing, as I read a lot already. I'm an obsessive reader, almost addict-like. When I have a good book, all I want to do is read and do nothing else. To the point when I could almost resent the intrusion of my life on my reading time. I try to read a little everyday, but I get so involved I don't want to let go. So all the extra time wasn't good in the beginning. I read compulsively for the first couple of weeks, but then I ended that.

I liked the quiet. That was nice. No white noise. It's amazing how noisy white noise is. I think that was the best part. Enjoying the quiet. I'm hoping I'll keep that up. And now that I know my tendency to sit and surf, I think I have to monitor that a bit more closely until new habits are formed.

One thing for sure is that I got to bed at a more reasonable hour on a more regular basis. That was good. And a trend I really should continue.

I think the thing that changed the most was that I spent more time in my life than in other people's. Nothing physically changed. I have to have a very low-key lifestyle to maintain a low stress level for health reasons. But mentally I was more present. Not emotionally, since unfortunately, I'm always present emotionally. Just mentally. Living my life, not reading about others' lives and (sometimes) living vicariously through them. That is a big thing for me. An active imagination is not always a good thing. It can take you out of your reality for too long and too far away. I was more present for me and then, I can only assume, for others.

That's not a new lesson for me. But one that is worth hearing again.

Nothing Much

Nothing much has been going on. You know, days of nothing and then it's weeks later and you wonder what happened to the time.

I think I have the flu. Did I catch a "virus" from bloggyville - I still find that funny :) Sort of dizzy and chilly and wobbly but nothing major for sure yet. It's indoors today, just poking around with laundry and bill paying, hoping to fight it off.

Same old here. Snow, then no snow. Now snow and FREEZING temps!!! BooMama's Alabama Freeze makes me chuckle - if only we had the Alabama Freeze!

I read Dina Matos McGreevey's book (Silent Partner: Memoir of a Marriage) on the weekend; the former wife of the former governor of New Jersey who gave the "gay American" speech. Easy read and very interesting. She certainly had a rough go of it, as I'm sure he did. I hope they can all recover.

Gotta go and put a sweater on, the chills have set in and I don't know if it's me or the -26 Celsius outdoors...brrrrr.

New Year's Day 2008

It's 2008.

It was beautiful and very sunny and not too cold.

Marly is getting over a cold and Frank has to go back to work tomorrow.

It's back to the routine of life.

My sister and brother-in-law will be house-hunting with a real estate agent tomorrow and will check out the surrounding areas. That is sort of surreal.

Will I find that perfect part-time, good paying, not interfering with my life job to pay for next year's hoped-for trip to Arizona? And maybe help to pay off some debts that any type of budgeting doesn't seem to fix.

Should I even be looking or just relish this time at home and not worry or wonder about the future and let Him do that? Or does that make me a dud expecting someone else to do the work? My eternal, unanswered question.

Today was beautiful and we are safe and together and loved and almost all well.

We're Not in Kansas Anymore Toto.

Well, it's 12:11 am so it's officially Boxing Day.

It's all over.

And a great day it was.

Everyone was happy and bright, stuffed and satisfied.

I think we all deserve a pat on the back.

Today at noon I delivered my daughter to her father and his family to celebrate Christmas with them. Stick with me, it's going to get confusing. So my mother, my father, my daughter and husband/step-father go to have a Christmas visit with my daughter's father, his mother and father (who are divorced), his two sisters (one who is living with a man who is divorced and has a daughter, and one who is married to a man who has been divorced twice already). Then the mother of/former wife and the daughter of the man who lives with sister #1 came to have a Christmas visit and they brought a grandfather. I think there were five divorces, two re-marriages, three sets of grandparents, two step-parents, and two children.

We're not in Kansas anymore Toto.

You would never had known any of the family histories by watching us. We had a wonderful time. Exchanging and opening gifts, visiting and catching up, spoiling the girls. I marveled at it all and apparently so did others although we didn't say it out loud. Was it easy? It's getting better. Was it hard? Sometimes. Would we have rather done something else? Probably.

Why? Why do we do it? Why do we sit together at school concerts instead of at opposite ends of the school gym (like other families I know)? Why are we polite, kind, considerate and even glad to see each other? The answer is sooooooo easy.

For two little girls...one of which is my own.

It can be done. It should be done. Families aren't perfect, even the perfect ones.

I always say it comes down to how much you love your kids (providing no one is in any danger, etc.).

Grown-ups need to be the grown-ups so the kids can be the kids.

Mercy, time, forgiveness (??), perspective, resolution, peace of mind and heart are all good things.

I'm glad it's over, but I'm glad we do it.

And the best part is that my daughter thinks it's absolutely normal to have blended, extended family...because she has a family. And families stick together - somehow, some way, it will work out.

Merry Christmas 2007

The Christmas Re-organization of the Tupperware Drawer

It's kind of scary and I'll whisper this, in case I jinx it. But I think I'm ready...for Christmas that is :)

I did all my wrapping last week and that always makes me feel better and more organized. Some gifts are even delivered. The Christmas Eve and Day menus are planned and grocery list started. I even got on a bit of a roll and bought the birthday cards for the friends' birthdays in January that if I don't remember now, I will totally forget. And I even bought and wrapped my niece's February birthday gift because I was on a major roll for her and she is going to be 10 and is so easy to buy for as she is a real girly-girl.

Yesterday was a storm day and Marly and I had a great day. Not only did I get the Christmas changing of the beds done and the Christmas re-organizing of the tupperware drawer, but we were able to play (reindeer) games and finish her Christmas wrapping. This year she saved her money and bought a multitude of gifts for family and friends. She has truly discovered the gift of giving. She took her friends' gifts today to school, in case there is another storm day later on in the week, but she had to take them in an over-size birthday bag since I had given away all the Christmas gift bags to my mother...you know...because I didn't need them. The birthday gift bag looked a little off and I tried to lighten the mood saying, actually since it's Jesus birthday...but I don't know if that's going to cut the mustard in the eighth grade.

Unless my husband starts dropping hints, he'll be getting a goat for Christmas thanks to World Vision.

100th Post

This is my 100th post. And I haven't much to say.

I find this time of year is a roller coaster ride. First you are riding high with decorations, light, music and anticipation, then you start to go down fast when you think about the wrapping and sorting and grocery shopping yet to be done and then you sink when you hear about hard times and struggles that just seem to be "more" because it's Christmastime.

I drive my husband to work everyday so that I can keep our one car at home with me. It works out very well. Not only does it get me up and dressed (I use that word lightly) and coffee-ed, but we only have one car insurance bill and maintenance and less pollution emitted on behalf of my family , etc.

On the way back this morning the radio station that I listen to faithfully was broadcasting from their annual toy-drive in conjunction with the movie theatre who was hosting them and the Salvation Army. Heartwarming. Then I heard about a concert hosted by a local celebrity that will be purchasing cows, goats, chickens, etc. with the proceeds via World Vision. Warm fuzzy feeling. Last night my daughter and I attended the Penitential service at our church and participated in the sacrament of Reconciliation. Good for our souls.

Then I come in to read my blogs and see in Especially Heather about her friend Kate who is undergoing brain surgery and needs prayers for her and her family. Now brain surgery is scary enough - but it just seems magnified happening at Christmastime. My city's homeless citizens are that much colder as the temperatures have dropped. It isn't funny. There is serious tragedy out there and it seems even more serious in light of December 25th.

Many time I pray/wish/hope that my God would just override free will and make it right for these people. I know He won't. That we are to do it through and for Him. To glorify Him and His Kingdom on Earth. How I feel that we are failing Him. How sorry I am to be a part of that failure. But I won't dwell in my failings. I will make myself go on - to continue to pray and do what I can. I know that Christmas Day is a reminder of God's love for us.

Dear Lord, I pray for Kate and her family. For the doctors and nurses. For wisdom and patience and encouragement and good results. Reveal Yourself to them in some way that they will recognize so they will be assured of Your Presence. Amen

We Did It

We did it, we did it, I can't believe we did it but we really did.

We are ready for Christmas. Outdoor lights are up with an addition of two new reindeer. Tree up, lit and decorated. House regaled with ornaments and knick-knacks and memories of years past. And the gingerbread house was even built and the 3-D puzzle village constructed and in place. The only things left is the real village in the front window and the clean-up of now empty storage bins.

And the best part - the dusting and cleaning of places we don't normally see. The re-arranging of electronic cords and computer desk. And the purging - how I love the purging.

So I think we are ready for the calendar of events staring us in the face. Every night this week is booked and more to come. But with the house ready and most hand-made gifts completed, I can embrace the season (instead of running away).

Fa la la la la la la la la!

Same Same Same

Same Same Same.

It's all the same.

Sore back.

Sore foot.

More leaves fall, more to rake, more to compost, more to bag.

More sore back.

More sore foot.

Were there this many leaves last year?

Yes. But I feel compelled to ask that question.

Same Same Same.

It's Definitely Fall

Oh it's Fall alright!! Do you know how I know that? Do you want me to tell you how I know? Do you want me to let you in on the secret? The secret of knowing whether or not we are in the Autumn Season? The one, clear, unavoidable, undeniable tell-tale sign that we are in the middle of Fall? Do you want to know? Do you? Do you?

I'LL TELL YOU!!

We spent all morning raking and bagging and mowing and raking again, bags and bags of leaves and filling compost carts and now...12 hours later...you cannot tell that AT ALL. The ground is completely covered with lovely autumn foliage. I have to actually go out and look at the bags otherwise this morning seems like a dream, the kind of dream that leaves (no pun intended) you with a sore back and you are OUT of tylonel.

Oh, and the one other reason that assures me that YES, it is Fall...the knowledge that we will be repeating this morning's exercise at least two more times this season.

There must be a silver lining...there is...no bugs. That's all I've got :o)