Monday, January 05, 2009

Mirror, mirror, on the wall.

Kids are like a mirror. The kind of mirror that slaps you in the face after it offers your reflection.

I have a quick tongue and a sarcastic wit. I think fast and I talk fast. Too fast. Generally I just think people should keep up with me and not be so sensitive. People should embrace themselves and be who they are. Those on the receiving end should appreciate the honestly and lack of pussy-footing and get on with things. Except, of course, when I need to be sensitive.

I know, I not let anything evil, or whatever, come out of you mouth. Use words to build others up not tear them down (I've been looking for that verse). At the very least, do unto others...and you get more flies with honey...


But when you have a conversation/dressing down with your teenager about her needing to consider others' feelings first, and being kind to others, even when they make you frustrated, etc. and then you find out that you were rude to someone and you didn't even notice because you are like that all the time AND YOUR KID NOTICED - well, can I dig myself a hole and hide :(

I am so ashamed. That my child, the one I am supposed to be "training up" saw me be a bitch. The mere fact that I was a bitch. The fact that I am a bitch. Even if I'm not a bitch all the time but even just one time (although I know it's more than once). Oh dear God, I am so ashamed.

I've been practically paralyzed with shame all day.

I will try and use this as a final catalyst for change. I don't want to be seen like that. Especially be seen like that by my teenage daughter. I don't want to be like that. I really need to use this opportunity to re-direct my words.

But right now I am just so ashamed.

My father would be so ashamed and disappointed in me. I am ashamed and disappointed in me.

Shame, shame, double shame.