I can't even speak/write

You know sometimes when your anxiety aand stress levels are so high that you can barely contain the shaking?

'Nuff said.

Week Four

Today marks the beginning of the fourth week of my detox diet. The fourth of sixteen.

The first two weeks went exceptionally well aside from Easter. Easter comes but once a year. Jellybeans won't kill me.

Week three was not as good. I probably had some carbs everyday. And by some I mean a cheese slice, a mouthfull of mashed potato, etc.

I'm definitely still in the 95%-98% detoxed range.

So, new ambitions for week four. Time to get back on track. Back on the wagon. Back on the horse. Whatever!

I know that Friday I am going to the valley with friends for an extended lunch with Angela so that will definitely involve some wise choices. But other than that, it's time to get serious. Jellybeans and cheese slices are not worth risking the potential success.

It's snowing here. Stupid spring snow. Barbie has rescued another dog. I got up at 4:45 am to make the days lunches and get ready for the gym before I realized my clock was an hour ahead. Sigh. Strengths workshop at church tonight. Frank has another doctor appt with the family doc to talk about the DH plan.

A new week has begun. God bless us, everyone :)

Spring Has Sprung

It's been a long time posting. Mostly because I forgot the username and password :)

The Day of Enrichment went spectacularly well. The talks were amazing. The women were amazing. The food was amazing. The music was amazing. The day went smoothly. It went so well. So encouraging. We are having a follow-up Women's Breakfast in a couple of weeks. I am really hoping this is the beginning of a Women's Ministry in our parish.

We are having a spring. We never have spring. We have winter, mud, summer and fall. But we are having a spring. It is wonderful. The apple blossoms are in grave danger with the frost forecasted but hey, we're having spring. The birds chirping in the morning, the squirrels chattering, why it practically makes getting up at 5:45 am to go to the gym bareable. Let me emphasize practically.

Frank has been diagnosed with celiac disease, via DH. Unbelieveable. What are the odds??? That's all I can say about that. That and answered prayers for a truthful diagnosis.

My Mom is on a 10 day carribean cruise. She doesn't like the heat or boats. But I hope she is having the time of her life with new experiences.

I am on a 4 month detox to reduce the inflammation in my sinuses and digestive system. Unfortunately it seems to be working :) It is extremely difficult. Meat, fish and eggs and green vegetables. One fruit and one yogurt or milk serving. That's eat. No sugar, no carbs (they turn into sugar). Sugar has always been my enemy and weakness. Sigh.

Marly is doing so well in high school. I can't believe the young woman she is. Independent, capable, beautiful, lots of friends, great grades. She is being confirmed in May. I hope one day she will be glad. I love her so much. I can't imagine what it will be like when she leaves for university. It will be like part of me will be gone.

We made our first loaf of homeade gluten-free bread. I can't believe it. And we will eat it.

Not Much to Say

January is going fast. That's alright with me. Nothing particularly is going wrong, but for me January is the heart of winter and I'm happy to see it speed by.

We've had some glorious sunny days for a change. The snow hasn't been too bad - very manageable. Clear roads and that's the main thing.

Things are running smoothly here.

Marly is hard at work studying for her first set of exams. I hope they go well. She had her Ipod touch stolen from her which is nothing short of devastating! I feel so badly for her. The lack of scruples of others is a hard thing to accept and a difficult lesson to learn.

My Mom just got back from NYC. Her choir was invited to sing at Lincoln Center. They were thrilled and had a marvelous time.

I am on the organizing team for our church's Women's Day of Enrichment. There is nothing more inspiring than to sit in a room full of talented women, from all walks of life, with years of experience, friendship, skills and knowledge between them. The meeting room fairly radiates with sisterhood/womanness.

I have invited several girlfriends to have dinner with me in February to celebrate my birthday at a great thai/veitnamese restaurant downtown. I can't wait for the food and the socializing!

Janet and I have embarked on watching all the seasons of LOST. We are in the midst of season 3. We thought it would help pass the dreariness of winter. What a show. I like watching it episode after episode. I think once a week would have been too draggy and I would have become LOST in the plot. I really like it - infact Charlie has become a fixture in my dreams...although I wouldn't mind Sawyer popping in now and then :)

It's been a good month and beginning to 2010. I am sticking to my resolution to "thinking more before". I am trying hard and I see a difference although I'm not sure what others would say :)

Looking forward to February: Valentine's Day, my birthday, my Dad's birthday. Cherie's is January 31st and that will be hard. I'll be glad when it's Feb. one.

In the end, it's like sweeping water with a broom.

It's a Christmas miracle - we actually got the driveway completely shovelled.

When I looked this morning and saw all the heavy, wet snow and saw the wall (thank you Mr. Snow Plow) where the road meets the driveway, I had a few seconds and actually thought we were going to be stuck in the house forever.

However the need for Tim's (coffee) prevailed and now we are done.

Three tylonels later for the back.

Please, a break, before we start over again. I know we live in Canada and it is the winter. I am fully aware of that. Please. A break.

It Has Begun

SNOW.

IT IS HERE.

We knew it was coming. It came in tiny, annoying storms but was always washed away a few days later. Christmas was lovely and green and easy for travelling. But we knew it wouldn't last. And I do always pray that it holds off until January. Well, January is here and so is the snow.

The snow, wind, freezing rain and everything that goes with it: plow trucks, salt trucks, sand, big boots and coats, gloves, hats, mitts. OLD MAN WINTER HAS COME TO STAY FOR A BIT.

This year I will try and do better. I don't think I will actually be able to embrace it, but I will ty to be more positive and not let the horribleness of the winter months be the major factor in my outlook on life :)

All we have to do it make it to March Break and then we can see the light, the sunlight, at the end of the tunnel.

And so, with newfound dtermination and optimism...

Isn't it beautiful :)

Think First. Ask Questions Later

The first day of a brand new year. New decade in this case. It's all so new and shiny and full of possibilities. A little scary since all those new possibilities can be the exciting side of new failures, disappointments and bad ideas.

I've been thinking a lot about New Year resolutions. The number of things I want to change about myself. Be the change I want to see. Work on myself, not on others.

I have never done well with New Year resolutions. Mostly I forget about them until it's too late. So if I want them to work, I need to remember them. They need to be short and snappy.

I need only one. Surely I can remember and implement one. One all-encompassing resolution.

THNK FIRST

I need to think first: before eating, before speaking, before acting, before reacting, before "yes", before "no"... I need to think even before thinking itself.

I'm hoping this will lead to better decisions, better delivery and the slowing down of the words in my head. If I consciously think first, maybe there is a better chance of doing it God's way instead of my way.

Happy New Year.

Getting Closer

Well today was the big, pre-Christmas grocery shop. Not too bad. The best part was the store wasn't that busy, got a great parking spot and no waiting at the cash - what's up with that? The other good news is that we have pretty much stuck to my Christmas budget. I have never done a Christmas budget before but wanted to have one to use as a guideline. I tried to include everything: food, special events/dinners out, gifts, etc. I knew we would probably go over, I budgeted for that- HA - but I found it really helpful to keep on track and to keep being realistic with myself. This year I was a bit "Grinchy" and decided that I wasn't going to buy presents that weren't wanted, liked or just "because". Sometimes a less expensive, more thoughtful gift is better.

Last night we had a snowstorm. Not much in accumulation, just mostly nasty and annoying and tricky driving. But it didn't get in the way of us attending the Barra MacNeil's Christmas Concert! I was so thankful it didn't get cancelled. I have wanted to see their Christmas Concert for years and it was as great I knew it would be. I think I will go every year. I may have to find someone to go with since my family liked it but didn't love it like I did.

Tomorrow I am hoping we will complete the last minute shopping errands, change the beds and generally finalize the "to do" list. My mom is coming on the 23rd, we have hair appts and Marly has her "braces-off photo shoot". What a great perk from our orthodontist. I think Christmas Eve will arrive to a ready and happy and non-stressed household.

Frank is so happy on vacation and Marly will build the gingerbread house tomorrow. Everyone seems to be resting and content. I am getting excited at the thought of hosting Christmas dinner.

However, today Margie and Paul had the funeral for their mother and tomorrow Shelley buries her father. So close to Christmas. It is the first year without Cherie - I am still in disbelief about that. Karen is having the first Christmas without her Dad, Andrea without hers. This "circle of life" thing is not good. I am not ready for it at all. So much death. It must have always been there, I just never noticed because it didn't really affect me. Now I am at that age and stage. God bless all those souls who have gone and please extra bless those who are left behind.

Brrrrry

It was a cold, cold day today. Didn't get warmer that -10 and windy, so that makes it worse.

One more day of school tomorrow. Marly made and iced brownies for the english class party, bought sunchips for the PHAL party and will be making sugar cookies in the Food class party. I guess nothing is happening in science. She is happy and excited. Also, she babysat tonight and has a job lined up for Monday so that always makes her happy...cha ching!

Frank and I ran errands today. Got a lot done. Little things, but lots of stops. Some Christmas preparations. We even had a snack together. He is enjoying his vacation, especially with the new computer.

I have my last doc appt tomorrow, the ENT specialist. Then hopefully I won't see another doc until 2010. A few more errands. Marly is with her Dad on the weekend and we have the Barra MacNeil's Christmas concert on Sunday night. I have always wanted to see it, so I am very excited.

I am missing my Dad a lot lately but I am trying to be Christmassy. Of course, I am trying not to over-indulge Marly but it's soo hard. I'd buy her the world if I could, but Christmas isn't about that. I'm nervous about having Christmas Dinner here this year. Our house-hold is so quiet compared to others. We don't live in chaos. But it seems pretty boring.

I am learning to live up against the wall. I have so much I need to talk to my Dad about and he is not here and no one else is here. It's like being up against a brick wall. I am just stuck there. So I talk to myself and try to imagine what Dad would say and hope I get it right. I suppose that is what growing up is all about...doing it yourself. It's hard to listen when the words aren't spoken out loud.

It's still green here. Wisps and swirls of snow. Please hold off until all the Christmas travelling is done.

Advent Reconciliation

I do love confession.

Although, I look like an idiot as I come down from crying in front of everyone.

But I love being shiny clean and everything right between me and my God.

I feel so relieved, so ready. I love that time before my next sin :)

Believe me, I ask for forgiveness all the time. If I waited for confession, I'd be so weighted down I wouldn't be able to walk in the church. I'd have to be brought in a wheel-barrow and dumped in front of the priest.

I just love the personal reflection and the good advice. It's a great sacrament.

Third Sunday in Advent

This weekend we welcomed the RCIA candidates into the church and promised to support them on their journey. This is the first time I have been a sponsor. It is very exciting to be part of someone's journey. It is also interesting since my own daughter will be confirmed this year, so I can watch the process from two very different people's points of views.

This is the last week of school. Marly has to pass in her science fair project, present it to the judges, write a quiz, make sugar cookies. A jam-packed last week. Frank is already on vacation until 2010. He received a very generous, very well-deserved, Christmas bonus. That was exciting!

I am finally feeling better after 6-7 weeks of illness. Swine flu, pneumonia, major sinus infection, migraines, vertigo, asthma, etc. Basically the fall was a complete write-off. But the doc thinks I'm on the mend and I should be completely fine by the new year. Miraculously Frank and Marly stayed well and we had several wonderful friends who saw us through these bad weeks.

The Christmas shopping is well underway and Marly even wrapped half of them. The decorating, although on a small scale, is done and we are enjoying the tree. Christmas dinner will be at our house this year. So the plans seem to be set.

I went looking at Christmas lights a couple of nights ago. There were flurries flurrying around and lights twinkling and music playing and that is my favourite part of Christmas: lights and music.

Christmas will come and go, faster than a sparkly Christmas light. Time goes on, there's no stopping it.

I miss my Dad.

Happy Thanksgiving

"It's getting colder every morning" (Marly leaving for the bus)

Today is the 6th day of High School. So far things are going great. Marly is really stepping up to the plate. Not that she wouldn't have stepped up before, it has just never been required of her. She is taking her classes and homework very seriously. She has had two Student Council meetings and tonight is the first dance. As part of SC, she is part of the set-up committee. She has even recruited her two best friends to help, so that will get them involved as well (they tend to hang back). She looks forward to her International Foods/Healthy Living class every day. She is loving it. They cook every Friday. She was placed in Advanced Science - surprise to us! It is a challenge but I think she is liking the class and the challenge. She is more than capable, but you still have to do the work. Today is PINK DAY - part of the anti-bullying campaign started in the valley a couple of years ago. She is loving the freedom of HS, ie: leaving the school grounds at lunch. Two piano lessons under her belt and synchro starts next Saturday. She is off and running. Here's to a good year...

Please God - get those braces off!!!

The weather has been spectacular. I know I talk about the weather but it's a big topic of conversation here. Unbelievably sunny and warm EVERYDAY! The beginning of fall is always so beautiful.

We had a nice Labour Day weekend. Mom came in for a night and we were tourists in our own city: Peggy's Cove, Fisherman's Cove, the Public Gardens. So beautiful.

This weekend is our last "free" weekend. Frank has a "golf" day tomorrow with work. Marly and I are having a girl's supper - Japanese :) . On Saturday Marly has a friend's birthday sleepover after church.

It's back to Mass for her. She had a slack summer church-wise. I, on the other hand, had my best summer attendance to date. It's her Confirmation this year. Her last year of religious ed. Can't believe it - time goes so fast. I know I will cry :) That will really impress her I'm sure :)

Yesterday I had a "perk up your house" day. A new pillow for the couch for the pillow cover that Mom brought back from Turkey. New shades for old bases for a "new", MATCHING set of lamps in our bedroom. Moved my 50s Pill Box hat lamp from the bedroom to the livingroom for all to see. I decorated a wreath form with autumn coloured beads for a fall, front door decoration. The jury's still out on that one. It looks like a wreath with beads on it. Janet said "is that the look you're going for?" I'm not sure yet. It sparkles in the sunlight but just looks like beads on a wreath otherwise.

Well the dentist awaits. How I hate the dentist :( Odd for someone whose teeth are fine and always have been. I shake so much he said "it's like killing Bambi". The only good thing is that I am too afraid to not go. My greatest fear is a root canal which I have never had and don't even know what it is - it just SOUNDS awful. At least they are SO nice to me and my nerves.

Summertime is All Gone

Summer. It's all over. I can't believe it. It always goes SO FAST!

Today is the first day of school and the first day of High School. I can't believe she is in grade 10. I remember primary so vividly. However, she is ready. The morning went smoother that I expected, although that shouldn't be a surprise. It had been planned for days. The hair, the clothes, the breakfast, the lunch. Again with the "I'm making my own lunch". Wonder how long that will last? About as long as getting up when the alarm goes off is my guess. She looked awesome. FIFTEEN. BUT she kissed me goodbye and texted me when she got there. I'm happy. We went out for dinner last night to OPA to celebrate the end of summer and beginning of a new year. Lots of families with the same idea. Yummy OPA - I should have been a Greek!

I had a wonderful trip to NYC with Mom and Barbie. First time for Mom and me. Good thing Barbie knew her way around. We went on three bus tours (downtown, mid/uptown and one at night), three broadway musicals: 9 To 5, West Side Story and the Marvelous Wonderettes, the Backstage Tour of Radio City, the NBC StudioTtour and the Observation Deck at the Top of 30 Rock. A carriage ride through Central Park. And of course walking and windon shopping on 5th Ave, 6th Ave, Madison Ave, Times Square, etc. We ate at the Magnolia Bakery, Planet Hollywood, yummy suishi and a great irish pub called Connellys. We stayed at the Roosevelt Hotel which was lovely and a great central location to all our activities. The whole 4 days flew by. If I never get back, I feel I have really seen NYC. The only thing left really is the Radio City Christmas Spectacular so it's back to saving loonies and twoonies. A great city. The people were so friendly and nice and helpful. Only one less than positive observation...it is SO LOUD. I was prepared the noise of contruction and traffic and emergency vehicles. But it was the noise of 81/2 million people just living that I wasn't ready for. Yikes! As a bonus, both flights were very good. On time and one even early.

When I arrived home, the birthday sleepover was on. Barbie graciously offered her hot tub and pool deck for the afternoon. The pool itself was freezing and dirty after Hurricane Bill and Tropical Storm Dan, but the hot tub party was a hit. They set up a tent in the backyard and slept under the stars. The girls had a wonderful time together since this party was piggy-backing another birthday sleepover from the night before so they had lots of time together before school starts and they get separated. Squeezing in every last second of summer before this morning :)

Who knows what lies ahead. I am so lucky that every summer vacation is fabulous. Lots of friends and family get togethers, short trips away, pools and hot tubs, no bedtimes and no schedules.

This fall we are back to piano lessons and synchronized swimming. There is a real, decent school band to play in finally. Frank is more and more active with his HAM Radio. My bible study will be starting up the beginning of October. I want to try and take Mass more seriously this year.

I have three years left of being an at-home Mom. I want to fill those years with good things and good memories.

The Routine

We are back at it :(

She is at her first piano lesson of the year. Even before school starts (tomorrow). That's rough!

This year her lessons are one hour instead of 45 minutes because she is considered "advanced" (RCM level 7). The downside of success. That went over like a lead balloon :)

Only Hearing the Birds

It is so quiet right now.

I have gone to Curves, had my shower and had my delicious Tim's. There is no radio or TV or laundry going or Ipod. Complete quiet. Just the tapping of my laptop keys. My daughter and nephew are asleep downstairs. Who knows when they drifted off last night?

Summer is almost over. Not quite three weeks left. I love summer so much. I can't believe it's almost over. I know the Fall is lovely but my girl is back to school so it's not the same.

We have had a great time. Lots of BBQs and summer parties. Lots of sleepovers. My trip to Bangor/Freeport with girlfriends was awesome. I'm sure the trip to NYC will be amazing. Lots of pool time, despite the July weather. Lots of summer.

This year, she will spend almost an entire week with her Dad. First time. I secretly never minded or pushed it. I'd rather her be with me. Anyway, next week will be very fun for her - the novelty is so much better than being at boring old home.

Please, Dear God, let the braces come off before school starts.

She has a weekend with a friend at Grammie's. Three days of babysitting for back-to-school clothes money. When will we fit that shopping day in? Her birthday! Her birthday pool day/camping sleepover to organize and pull off. A Family BBQ. So much left and the days are counting down.

And then it's done. And then she will be starting high school. Grade 10. Fifteen. Be still my heart. Be still my aching heart. Only three more years at home. So fast. Too fast. Right before my eyes. Like a flash of lightning. Blink and she's gone. Taking my heart with her.

Don't think about it. Enjoy everyday. Carve out memories. Take more pictures. Let her go.

Be still my aching, bleeding, tearful heart.

Summer Weekend

This weekend was a great weekend. Frank took an extra day so we had three days in the valley. We went so that Frank could work on a chore list that my Mom has been accumulating for quite some time now.

He: cleaned up the computer and made changes to it, put up a new clothesline, installed storage hooks, installed/wired-in a new motion detector/outdoor light, worked on the lawn mower - all with a happy heart and patient disposition.

I, on the other hand, visited friends, went to the Farmers' Market, ate out for lunch, went for a drive and went to church with Mom and saw old PW friends.

On Sunday we were all able to go to the lake and Marly was able to swim it twice and spend the whole afternoon in the water. Angela rescued her from the "list" and kept her with them until we could make it out. Then we all had supper, were given freshly picked veggies and off to home we went.

We even hit Frenchy's and Frank scored a new shirt for work.

AND IT WAS SUNNY AND WARM TWO DAYS IN A ROW!!!

It is foggy now :(

I love, love, love summer!

Parental Frustration

My daughter will turn 15 next month. I can't believe it. The time has flown by. No matter what I do, I can't stop it.

She has become and is maturing into a lovely young lady. She does well in school, swims and plays piano and clarinet. She has started babysitting and is loving it and doing really well. She has nice friends, has a nice little social life and has become very interested in clothes and shopping. So far, not so much on the boys and I am definitely OK with that.

She is capable, mature, independent, resourceful, thoughtful of others, loyal, honest, hilarious and too sarcastic for her own good. In addition to loving her more than life itself, I really like her.

But...

The most important quality I have tried to convey is kindness. I must say that most of the time she is quite kind and compassionate. I have tried hard to show her how to turn the other cheek, give people the benefit of the doubt, stand up for herself and be true to herself while being diplomatic and caring, seeing two sides to every story, etc. etc. - all without her becoming a doormat herself.

But she's almost 15. She is making more and more of her own decisions everyday. What clothes to wear, what shows to watch, what movies to see. I am right there, trying to guide her, but also trying to give her the space she needs to experiment and maybe even fall.

So today, at the othodontist appt, she is mean and rude on purpose to the dental hygenist. Because she's mad they pointed out she needs to keep wearing the elastics and it will be one more month until the braces off. My heart justs breaks. That she would choose to be mean to this girl. This young lady who is trying to be nice and gets cut off by a selfish kid.

I know she's still a kid. Kids will be kids. I know she's frustrated and tired of the braces. But what about personal responsibility, or at the very least, sucking it up? It's got to start sometime. Just because Mommy's letting you speak for yourself, it's not freedom to be rude.

It's because it's a choice. That my daughter, after all these years, would choose to act that way on purpose. That she chose that behaviour over all others. I find it so disheartening. Did I show her nothing? Did I model that? Was she not listening at all? Have I failed? Is this her true self emerging?

I know I'm being a little dramatic. I was just hurt. To be honest, a little embarrassed and ashamed.

I just want so much for her. I know she's trying to figure herself out and how to handle herself in all sorts of situations. The world can be so harsh. I just want her to be able to do her share of the goodness. To want to be good and kind. To know that it's important.

Because nice matters. It really does.

Summertime

Swimming in the pool, relaxing in the hot tub - rain or shine. We've had too many rainy, foggy, dreary, misty days that we gave up and wet is wet, let's get on with it!

Last minute sleepovers, extravagant forts in the basement, free video game rentals with report card.

Nephew staying over for a week of "Aunt Sandy camp". Major grocery shopping done for "Aunt Sandy camp".

Attending niece's drama camp "Cinderella" and clapping wildly for the evil step-sister.

Making reservations for girls' trip to Bangor and Freeport for some retail therapy and major laughing our heads off.

I love summer. I don't need seasons. I would never miss them. I love the yellow sun, green grass and blue sky and pool lining!

Happy Canada Day!

July 1st - it's Canada Day. I thank God everyday for placing me in this amazing province in this amazing country. Where my family and friends and I are safe, happy, healthy and able to embrace life as we wish.

That we are free.

That we have a government and a military and fellow citizens who defend that freedom.

That Canada is a country that is fair and well respected in the global community. That we have free education and free health care. That we take care of our own.

Don't mistake me, we have our problems. But we are committed to solving them.

O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.

With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!

From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.